Those who know me, and even those who have only read below probily can already understand that my life isn't the most perfect thing in the world.
With the exams looming and me, having done absolutely loads of revision (not) im confident that i will come out with quite frankly amazing marks. (not).... Hehe.... Im not worried though.
I am by nature an idiot, but thankfully lucky with it. You know the sort of person that really annoys people... picture the scene, your in a stream of traffic doing around 80, Damn you've just gone past a camera and its flashed you. You take some comfort in knowing the idiot behind you is going to be flashed as well, But wait!!! What's this... the camera appears to have cought fire and exploded.
Imagine the feeling when your left with a £70 fine, 3 penalty points as as that god damn idiot behind you overtakes and speeds into distance. That feeling is me.
However turns out my luck is running dry, and to resolve this i have been thinking of moving country. Maybe to somewhere like Norway, Germany or perhaps even New Zealand. Having a complete change of life might do me some good.
I would of course be sorry to say good bye to England, I will have to have Rule Britannia playing and the union flag flying as I leave. I would also miss a few people, but as most of my friends seem to have melted away, im sure most of that feeling would fade.
Monday, 17 December 2007
Christmas Time!
Today is a momentous occasion, I am now wearing my first pair of jeans for a very very long time. I've got to say that its not such a bad feeling, but i do feel a little like i'm betraying all my principals.
Well regardless, looks like this is the new me... I know... sucks doesn't it.
Today's rant is about Christmas, unoriginal maybe, but like thatcher once said... If I want your opinion, ill give it to you.
I used to love it Christmas. I really did, I would sit up all night trying to get to sleep waiting and drooling about the day. My favourite time of the year, snow, decorations and Santa. Its enough to give you a epidermal. Once upon a time i even used to take my little sledge out and slide down some big hills, i really was happy.
Now however what snow we get looks rather... half hearted. The big hills have been replaced with the thrilling Lincolnshire flatness, and it turns out that Santa is my father. Awesome!
For this reason i have now pronounced my favourite time of year as being easter. This is much better because it changes yearly so if im not feeling particularly "cheery" on that day I can proclaim that its not really easter.... Honest.
Well regardless, looks like this is the new me... I know... sucks doesn't it.
Today's rant is about Christmas, unoriginal maybe, but like thatcher once said... If I want your opinion, ill give it to you.
I used to love it Christmas. I really did, I would sit up all night trying to get to sleep waiting and drooling about the day. My favourite time of the year, snow, decorations and Santa. Its enough to give you a epidermal. Once upon a time i even used to take my little sledge out and slide down some big hills, i really was happy.
Now however what snow we get looks rather... half hearted. The big hills have been replaced with the thrilling Lincolnshire flatness, and it turns out that Santa is my father. Awesome!
For this reason i have now pronounced my favourite time of year as being easter. This is much better because it changes yearly so if im not feeling particularly "cheery" on that day I can proclaim that its not really easter.... Honest.
Tuesday, 23 October 2007
Things that worry me!
Over the past few years ive picked up a large collection of things that worry me...
Fortunately for me they are not the usual boring worries. You see... things such as the rate of inflation, how often the bins are collected and why the tv now only seems to show a collection of the biggest retards known to man. (X-factor, Big-Brother etc) doesnt really bother me.
No! This involves things much more important...
For instance, Braille signs... you know the one's, they have that weird little bumpy writing that blind people can read. But what the hell is the point of a sign with it on!! If they knew the sign was there they wouldn't need to read would they!!
According to New Scientist, left handed people (the most awesome 15% of the population) unfortunately have alot of problems i hadn't ever thought about. Now most left handed people will know that the chance of having heart problems is much higher, they might even know that nearly 1,500 of us are killed yearly by using right handed tools. I bet they didn't know that we have a much higher chance of going insane and killing people though.
There is a "strong correlation between the proportion of left-handers and the number of homicides in each culture". *gasp*
Well ill try my best not to go insane and try to kill everyone... no promises though.
Global warming... Now im not a sceptic or anything. I do bielive the world is warming up to some degree. But the whole "OMG the worlds going to end" thing really irritates me... Despite what most people would have you think the world is really *REALLY* difficult to destroy. Trust me... i have tried.
Its a gigantic 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tonne ball of iron... now think of a bowling ball. thats a 0.002 tonne ball of iron and how hard is that to break.
Come on people... Get a hobby!!
Well ive probily bored you enough now, so im going to go get some nice choco shreddies and a tango...
Laters folks!!
Fortunately for me they are not the usual boring worries. You see... things such as the rate of inflation, how often the bins are collected and why the tv now only seems to show a collection of the biggest retards known to man. (X-factor, Big-Brother etc) doesnt really bother me.
No! This involves things much more important...
For instance, Braille signs... you know the one's, they have that weird little bumpy writing that blind people can read. But what the hell is the point of a sign with it on!! If they knew the sign was there they wouldn't need to read would they!!
According to New Scientist, left handed people (the most awesome 15% of the population) unfortunately have alot of problems i hadn't ever thought about. Now most left handed people will know that the chance of having heart problems is much higher, they might even know that nearly 1,500 of us are killed yearly by using right handed tools. I bet they didn't know that we have a much higher chance of going insane and killing people though.
There is a "strong correlation between the proportion of left-handers and the number of homicides in each culture". *gasp*
Well ill try my best not to go insane and try to kill everyone... no promises though.
Global warming... Now im not a sceptic or anything. I do bielive the world is warming up to some degree. But the whole "OMG the worlds going to end" thing really irritates me... Despite what most people would have you think the world is really *REALLY* difficult to destroy. Trust me... i have tried.
Its a gigantic 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tonne ball of iron... now think of a bowling ball. thats a 0.002 tonne ball of iron and how hard is that to break.
Come on people... Get a hobby!!
Well ive probily bored you enough now, so im going to go get some nice choco shreddies and a tango...
Laters folks!!
Friday, 12 October 2007
Cyclists should get a job!
Unfortunately i don't have the ability to drive myself from A to B, being only 17 and not even having a full driving licence yet. This means that once or twice in the past i have been forced to use a contraption known by some as a bicycle.
Admitidly my bike is rather rubbish... the chain keeps trapping my trousers, i only have 2 usable gears, the handle bars don't point in the same direction to the wheels, the back brake only works if i manually pull on the cable and the front one doesn't do anything at all.
Now most people will know what a bike is... basicly two wheels welded to assorted pieces of metal. After your first go on a bike you may notice that your backside is a little raw. By "little" I mean "a god damn lot". Most people will assume this is bad design, but the educated among us know the real reason.
You see, the guy that designed the bike actually has a decent job. He, unlike most bike riding hippy's, can afford to run a car. He doesn't get wet from rain on the way to work, nor does he feel the need to wear ridiculous Lycra outfits. And from this we can reveal the hidden message...
And the message is....
GET A CAR
Some people may be confused as to how I have made this jump. Well most of the message is in the seat. You see if it was designed to be comfortable it would be wide and soft, but no... its rock solid and shaped as if main purpose is to prise you apart.
Now picture the scene... The designer is driving to the office in his brand new BMW when he see's in the corner of his eye some guy in bright yellow lycra going down a bumpy side road on his bike. Can you imagine how much pleasure he's getting from knowing the cycler wont be able to walk straight, let alone have children when he's finished.
Now assuming he's not some kind of sadist, i would assume he's just trying to encourage people to buy a car... preferably one with nice, big, leather, comfy seats.
Now i am going to raid the fridge... Laters Folks
Admitidly my bike is rather rubbish... the chain keeps trapping my trousers, i only have 2 usable gears, the handle bars don't point in the same direction to the wheels, the back brake only works if i manually pull on the cable and the front one doesn't do anything at all.
Now most people will know what a bike is... basicly two wheels welded to assorted pieces of metal. After your first go on a bike you may notice that your backside is a little raw. By "little" I mean "a god damn lot". Most people will assume this is bad design, but the educated among us know the real reason.
You see, the guy that designed the bike actually has a decent job. He, unlike most bike riding hippy's, can afford to run a car. He doesn't get wet from rain on the way to work, nor does he feel the need to wear ridiculous Lycra outfits. And from this we can reveal the hidden message...
And the message is....
GET A CAR
Some people may be confused as to how I have made this jump. Well most of the message is in the seat. You see if it was designed to be comfortable it would be wide and soft, but no... its rock solid and shaped as if main purpose is to prise you apart.
Now picture the scene... The designer is driving to the office in his brand new BMW when he see's in the corner of his eye some guy in bright yellow lycra going down a bumpy side road on his bike. Can you imagine how much pleasure he's getting from knowing the cycler wont be able to walk straight, let alone have children when he's finished.
Now assuming he's not some kind of sadist, i would assume he's just trying to encourage people to buy a car... preferably one with nice, big, leather, comfy seats.
Now i am going to raid the fridge... Laters Folks
Thursday, 11 October 2007
What is the best way to scare off chavs?
This have been troubling me for a day or so now,
Imagine the scene... your an unsuspecting citizen walking down a rather seedy side road, suddenly a whole clod of chavs appear out of nowhere. I would think that most people's reaction would be to make for a hasty retreat but unfortunately for you, your surrounded!!
What do you do now? What exactly is the best way to escape?
Well lucky for you, you've just read this guide and my list of top ways to escape.
Chav : ayy, mate
Me : hey kid.
Chav : howz it hanging?
Me : Good, good.
Me : Could i just mention something?
Chav : Wat?
Me : The empire state building is 449m high, which is 1,472 in feet for those who love the imperial system, which was originaly defined in 1824, refined in 1956 in the commonwealth and america....
*pause*
Chav : *POP*
Imagine the scene... your an unsuspecting citizen walking down a rather seedy side road, suddenly a whole clod of chavs appear out of nowhere. I would think that most people's reaction would be to make for a hasty retreat but unfortunately for you, your surrounded!!
What do you do now? What exactly is the best way to escape?
Well lucky for you, you've just read this guide and my list of top ways to escape.
- Light a match, chavs as fairly primitive instinctual creature's and are naturally scared of fire. Wave the match around for maximum affect.
- Pretend to be part of the scenery, If you have ever watched Jurassic park you will know that the T-Rex couldn't tell where the people were when they didn't move or make a noise. Well the same principal applies here, just with chavs.
- Try to blend in. Turn your collar up, copy their slightly vacant dialect and act like your figuring out how to tie your shoe laces. Be aware that sometimes chavs attack their own so watch out.
- Engage the chavs in conversation, try to act stupid to begin with so their defences will be down... then repeatedly hit them with as much information as possible as fast as you can. Since it is widely known that a group of chavs only have a single communal brain cell, the one that is currently holding it will try and understand everything you've just said. The information cascade you've just caused in his brain will cause lots of secondary explosions in his head and BOOM!! -1 chav. You escape in the resulting confusion.
For instance here is an example of how it should be done...
Chav : Wat?
*pause*
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
It has been brought to my attention that C# is the same as Db!!
This is quite frankly an outrage.
I mean i am hardly musically literate but with this going on how could i possibly try to learn. As a kid with a background in science and wires, i like things to be nice and straight forward. Anything with more than one answer to the same question confuses me immensely.
Furthermore i have spent some of my precious time learning a programming language (c#) that i can now call Db... you can hear it now "Hey, ive heard reports your a bit flat, you know... d flat"
Well thanks to all the people designed this strange, confusing and down right silly invention ive just spent the past 10 minutes smacking my head against a fairly hard table to free myself from the shame.
* News just in!! I have heard reports this may be the same for A# and Bb and perhaps even more
I mean i am hardly musically literate but with this going on how could i possibly try to learn. As a kid with a background in science and wires, i like things to be nice and straight forward. Anything with more than one answer to the same question confuses me immensely.
Furthermore i have spent some of my precious time learning a programming language (c#) that i can now call Db... you can hear it now "Hey, ive heard reports your a bit flat, you know... d flat"
Well thanks to all the people designed this strange, confusing and down right silly invention ive just spent the past 10 minutes smacking my head against a fairly hard table to free myself from the shame.
* News just in!! I have heard reports this may be the same for A# and Bb and perhaps even more
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
For once i have decided to take a scientific view on something... which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Since people have been debating this on and off for the last couple of thousand years i finaly thought it needed a definitive answer, so lady's and gentlemen here we go.
Reasons for the chicken coming first:
Now either we can either think that the chicken just appeared out of thin air... *ahem* creationist's *ahem* or we can believe the truth. The chicken was created by accident!
Well maybe not accident, more survival of the fittest. Its pairants would be the most suitable of their kind for the environment and their pairants before them... this added with a small touch of random gene mutation created what is now known as KFC.
So i bring it to you that the parents of the first chicken were in fact not chicken at all. That the first chicken hatched out of an egg, fresh and slightly better than its parents. (especially in a bap)
Since people have been debating this on and off for the last couple of thousand years i finaly thought it needed a definitive answer, so lady's and gentlemen here we go.
Reasons for the chicken coming first:
- What laid the egg?
- God created the chicken
- Chickens are awesome
- What was the chicken born from
- The egg was a from its parents but slightly different
- Eggs taste nice with bacon and fried bread
Now either we can either think that the chicken just appeared out of thin air... *ahem* creationist's *ahem* or we can believe the truth. The chicken was created by accident!
Well maybe not accident, more survival of the fittest. Its pairants would be the most suitable of their kind for the environment and their pairants before them... this added with a small touch of random gene mutation created what is now known as KFC.
So i bring it to you that the parents of the first chicken were in fact not chicken at all. That the first chicken hatched out of an egg, fresh and slightly better than its parents. (especially in a bap)
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